Strain to look good can pressure teen relationships, however kindness from friends may help

Think about making an attempt to at all times seem good. You keep on high of the most recent magnificence traits, excel academically and mission confidence in social settings, even if you’re struggling or feeling fully overwhelmed. You’re employed arduous to cover any potential flaws, consistently worrying that in the event you stumble or present any cracks in your armor, every thing will disintegrate.

For a lot of teenagers, the strain to mission an ideal persona feels vital to slot in, keep away from criticism and achieve approval from their friends. It is simple to assume that being good will make you extra likable, as a result of who would not need to be round somebody who appears to have all of it collectively?

Nevertheless, our new examine reveals an ironic twist: the very effort to look good may very well push others away. As a substitute, constructive interactions with friends could assist teenagers break away from the fixed want to look good and foster extra supportive friendships.

With our analysis, we need to make clear the hidden prices of making an attempt to take care of a flawless picture and reveal how letting go of this strain can pave the best way for extra genuine and supportive connections for teenagers.

Indicators of perfectionism

Perfectionistic self-presentation refers back to the effort to create and keep a picture of perfection, the place individuals go to nice lengths to make sure they seem good to others. For teenagers, this typically means showcasing a elegant exterior and suppressing indicators of misery, vulnerability or imperfection.

Many teenagers who have interaction in perfectionistic self-presentation additionally wrestle with emotions of insecurity. They could imagine they don’t seem to be worthy of affection or assist, so that they attempt to create a flawless picture within the hopes of securing the acceptance they lengthy for.

Analysis identifies some fundamental points of perfectionistic self-presentation: self-promotion, the place teenagers spotlight their achievements whereas downplaying any struggles; perfectionistic non-disclosure, the place they keep away from revealing any private challenges; and perfectionistic non-display, the place teenagers make a concerted effort to chorus from doing something that may be judged as imperfect by others.

In line with our analysis, dad and mom, academics and teenagers ought to concentrate on the next indicators which will point out a youngster is scuffling with the strain to look good:

• Hiding feelings: Suppressing indicators of misery, akin to disappointment, anger or frustration, even when expressing them could be applicable, like once they expertise a disappointment, a loss or a setback.
• Issue accepting compliments: Rejecting reward or constructive suggestions as a result of they really feel like they have not absolutely earned it or that their picture is not “good” sufficient.
• Unwillingness to ask for assist: Shunning reaching out for help or assist as a result of they concern it’ll make them appear imperfect or incapable.
• Outward self-promotion: Incessantly discussing or showcasing successes, akin to awards, honors or excessive grades, to strengthen their sense of accomplishment.
• Effortlessness: Downplaying the trouble behind an achievement, making any successes seem easy.
• Avoiding vulnerability: Avoiding sharing their genuine ideas and experiences with buddies out of fear that exhibiting any flaws or struggles will result in rejection or judgment, even when these emotions aren’t essentially adverse.
• Danger aversion: Steering away from duties they may not be instantly good at and in search of extreme reassurance or steering earlier than even beginning, fearing failure will harm their picture.

Our current examine

In our current examine, we requested 239 teenagers between the ages of 13 and 19 (72 % of whom have been feminine) to finish a sequence of 4 questionnaires, spaced roughly seven months aside between October 2017 and November 2021. The questions have been designed to measure perfectionistic self-presentation, relational victimization and receipt of pro-social acts.

We discovered that the extra teenagers targeted on showing flawless, whether or not by means of consistently exhibiting off achievements or hiding their actual emotions, the extra they skilled relational aggression, like gossip or social exclusion.

This helps the concept perfectionism can result in social disconnection. When teenagers prioritize an ideal picture over actual connections, it could possibly create a barrier between them and their friends. In consequence, they could wrestle to type significant friendships, and should even develop into targets of bullying as a result of their perceived perfection could make others really feel threatened or disconnected.

Our examine additionally revealed that when teenagers targeted on presenting a great picture and hiding their actual selves, they acquired much less kindness and assist from their friends, making a cycle that solely elevated the strain to maintain up the right picture.

Over time, this could result in emotional misery, as teenagers could more and more query their self-worth and wrestle with deepening emotions of loneliness. The absence of significant connections also can restrict alternatives for progress and studying from friends, that are essential throughout adolescence.

Optimistic peer interactions

The excellent news from our new examine is that teenagers who acquired extra acts of kindness and assist from their friends felt much less of a necessity to cover behind a flawless facade. This highlights the ability of kindness and connection in serving to teenagers let go of perfectionist tendencies.

Fostering supportive, genuine friendships generally is a essential step in decreasing the nervousness and isolation that comes with making an attempt to look good. Optimistic, supportive interactions with friends create the inspiration for sturdy and significant connections, the place teenagers can be at liberty to be themselves, imperfections and all. When you’ve got a pal or relative who’s scuffling with the strain to be good, listed below are some issues you may strive:

Encourage them to share their emotions, even when issues aren’t going effectively, and guarantee them it is OK to point out vulnerability in friendships. Remind them that actual buddies settle for each other’s flaws, and that good friendships do not exist; what issues is assist, understanding and mutual care.

Create an atmosphere the place imperfections are celebrated and assist them perceive that they matter and that they do not should be good to be liked or valued. Be open about your personal struggles and present one another that vulnerability is an indication of energy, not weak point.

The fact is that needing to maintain up a picture of perfection typically retains us from constructing the supportive, significant relationships we want. By letting go of the necessity to seem flawless and embracing imperfections, we open the door to extra real relationships the place we will obtain the care and understanding we deserve.

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